Walk like a Zombie

Okay so the sad little puppy is sitting under my chair. The puddle of blood and guts slops noisily under my rollers. Oh god that thought, it's tiny not a yet a hundred times over but I can feel the beat of heart better more than twice the normal rate. She was telling me not to tell her my name. Gosh, how cold that felt under my rubbery skin. Anyhow, that dog I was talking about. The poor little thing didn't stand a chance against the shopping trolling. Those wheels as if they were blades tear through its poor little bones. Hamlet jumping out from nowhere to grasp what ever sanity he could grasp. His hoody flopping over his eyes, he skidded to the side too late to save that dead flat dog, which the car ran over. Ophelia screams, her shriek running down the footpath where the splatter of the dogs blood smacks into Hamlet's grazed face, Oh the horror. Did Polonius really deserve to die? Did he really deserve his ill fated death underneath my rolly chair? Ophelia hands clasp her hair strings, as she pulls she shrieks. Hamlet fed up with her behavior walks off to never return. She sits there in the dog poop and wet mud as her eyes go glazed. She raises slowly a wet sloppy sound following her. The car comes back circling the street a second time. In an instant the girl is lying in the wet mud, her brains sprayed across the dirty lawn. Laertes skids down the street bumping to the beat of his hip hop rap music.

Hit that.

I've been having a strange time. Slightly scared I'm going to fail English extension after putting three straight weeks worth of work into it. Overall schools just been weird, I can't stand something the underlying things that are starting to stir. But we finally received our Jerseys' and mine is fucking awesome and warm, convenient considering the weather.
Other then this I has 2 weeks and a half left of school then I go into block exams where I'm never at school.
I've met a random, as he's known by and shall remain as a random. I got a muffin and some bottles, delightful stuff this shite is =D.

At the moment though I'm being really weird and not sure what I'm doing, well I am aware just not certain why. I've kind of glided into today, and now I’m waiting to see if Alex will come over but it doesn’t seem like it.

Okay Okay, let’s see this week it was my birthday on Monday, I officially by law turned 19. Therefore I can still do the same legal stuff I was allowed today when I was 18. I had friends over on Saturday night and we rocked the house into the ground, o'dskool. We watched Teeth, Penis eating vagina movie, Susperia, arthouse horror and Juno. Alana stole the bed and everybody else slept on the tiles, next morning I spent time with thy Random. We frolicked around town making strange and obscene noises at each other, eventually fell asleep because we stayed up all night.
Tuesday, I was scared to death by my English teacher who wanted me to present my oral that day. I succeeded into getting her let me do it on Wednesday morning, then I passed with an awesome B-.
The rest of the week has been slow I haven’t been able to paint or draw recently because my minds been preoccupied with thoughts of hideous ugly assignments I should have started earlier.
Random made time fun =)

Bleaching my hair... not all of it but enough. eh I have no idea. It has been a rather strange day indeed. The rejection and curiosty is throbing through my veins. I liked our plot. But I think its a tad bit mean, I don't really want to go around scaring people, I do that enough.

Actually I should be writing my english. Not sure why I'm not. It must be the hair, I'm loosing dead brain cells!

I'm gunna buy a bottle of wine for myself, for my birthday. I'm excited about my birthday, not sure why. I decided to celebrate also by not going to school on monday. I'll be *cough cough* sick. yes...

Oh sweet nineteen still in school, still a fuckhead. sweet joy :)

God I hope my hair doesn't burn off.

Introduction

Bleh, Bleh, Bleh, Bleh.

Oddly enough, looking forward to Saturday night... going to save some money and after people disappear I'm going to go get drunk might be able to drag someone into a club with me so I can fucking go dancing (I doubt it though since same problem last year, nobody is over 18). Fuck being sober on the celebration of my birthday :) I think the only thing that would make me uber happy and mushy that day would sex. It's one of those times where I wish I wasn't so annoyingly picky about the guys I like, or a nervous little girl. Even not having this insane crush on somebody, that I'm completely confused about and infatuated by. I now have four stories, One, my own presumption, or the morbid reality of social structure in the school or Emmma's input of hope(I like this one the best) or the, he's not intersted.
Really it's all to much my body wants one thing and my brain wants something so completely different.

Still think paintballing would have been awesome... damn limited and non-fit associations.

Free dress day on Thursday.

Still drawing burly men.

Still writing out how Ophelia got laid :)

Still thinking of stuff

Still wanting things it doesn’t seem like I can have.

Still getting paid to go to school.

Okay this weekend stunk, constant frustration at myself, and the only thing that really has seemed to work out is reading. Reading my thoughts away. My mum said it was karma, I don't believe in karma. I believe people can fuck up, it gets worse with one thing after another.


Other then this Tiberius was gay for his brother, Gaius. That is why he was indeed a role model for his younger brother. Gaius though had no feelings towards his brother, rather he preferred meat pies. But he kept that to himself. As he used his brother's death to undermined the senate and their corrupt cult. The senate of course couldn't control their sexual frustration, so when Gaius got up on the platform to speak, he was leapt on and you can guess what happened.
Well no you can't you have no imagination. He was dragged into the back room, where he was forced to read the mythologies (children stories) to the senate. Indeed Gaius speaking skills here incredible, that the senate fell asleep in a state of awe. He silently picked their pockets and conquered Rome. The senate couldn't kill him, after being seduced by his amazing orator skills and proclaimed him Caesar, the almighty!


Yeah i know... to much time reading Belinda... good novel though. Major love story though...I'm starting to believe the guy isn't 46 but really in his 20's.
meh, life goes on it can only get better from this crap weekend.

Fuck me, the only thing that seemed to have worked out is that my assignments are still infront of me and sunday morning i'll be working at the markets which will probably have less people then last. (Godammit why don't people go to the computer markets? Cheap computer parts that work, better yet hella cheap games that might not work on the ocmputer! )
All because I'm I had nerves and entered in the wrong mobile number, i should of known better then to trust myself when i get nervous...


Also got something figured out for my birthday which is rather scary, hoping it was better then last year. To bad I don't know if enough people to go paint balling.

I had a strange dream about how my clustyness got me a job in theartre. Before that, there was something about family in Melbourne. People floating everywhere saying crazy stuff.

Wait why am I using livejournal...?

It's from Kara's 21st I don't talk to her anymore but my brother is the only guy in the picture =P Plus the camera took absolutely horrible photos, everyone looked really good that night.
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So I'm sitting here, not sure if I've done enough, bleh who I'm kidding I've never done enough.

I'm going to a 21st tomorrow I might make my mum buy alcohol so I can drink. Saturday I think study and going to the valley to pay the awesome lady back who gave me this book before I paid. Then I shall study. Sunday morning, computer markets, oh I'm doomed for an ill fated death.
I think the boy I like knows that I like him. This is good but bad at the same time. Oh well either way I'll be a happy chicken.

At lunch time today we sat on the carpet in the yr 12 area, it was thrilling and exciting and my hair is filled with tiny insects from the dirty carpet.

I'm not sure what else there is to say, nothing I suppose. I got a sports bra... this makes me happy although I really wanted to buy the very pretty ones. I might do that next pay... buy another pretty bra, I like to decorate my boobs. *bounce* I'm bored.

I've decided to turn Hamlet into Silent Hill. You'll never see it, or hear of it again so don't threat.

For once I don't want long weekends. I'm bored to frikin death working endlessly on assignments (hence my resort to Silent Hill) But no, I need to pass. Although the only thing I did have planned has been cancelled, so I'm going anyway, fuck if I'm staying home all frikin day again.

Other then this life has been boring, so boring the most exciting thing that might happen is what I'm going to do right now and have some absinthe cause I'm bored. ALright thats done. Fuck thats strong. Watch me get fucked before I go out and buy a bra in the valley at big girls don't cry, because I suck at finiding bras =/, watch me. Your not watching... bitch. fucking licorish.

I really want this music =(

Sunday arvo... I spent most of the morning playing a corny mobile game that I wasted 5 bucks on.

Bleh I'm insanely bored, I watched American Beauty last night, might watch it again today... fucking creepy people everywhere in it. More like its creepy how people in the movie try to grasp what they call beauty.

I think rather soonish though, I'll get the basis of what I'm meant to be doing for English extension then continue drawing and such while listening to hamlet. I figured it was rational and well hamlet makes more sense when spoken rather than read.

Other than these tiny exciting events I don't think I can feel any more boring as my devotion to my schoolwork is absurd. Go figures, if I actually want to pass, so much for grade eleven preparing me for this crap. I'm hoping by next term my time management will be a lot better and I won’t have to do an extra assignment that involves a hell of a lot of fucking research. It's worth a thought, a thought that makes me feel better. I also noticed today how much I treat school almost like home. So fucking use to it, I am. It's also come to my attention on how much of a slow learner I am. Everything I do I actually have to try to get anything from it, otherwise I could be the champion at sitting and staring at my wall in a miserable despair. I suppose it's not that bad, I'm just annoyed at how long it takes me to do things when I'm actually thinking.

Hmm.. I'm rather pining to read a novel... mainly Anne rice or 1984, I think I can live on fairytales for a few more nights other then that I think I'll start absorbing myself into my drawings. Actually I have been feeling rather low, could be the pms, who knows? I certainly don't. Maybe it's cause the boy I was having sex with started complaining and said "I don't like sex" which confused the fuck out me. I figured I’d back off as something seems to be stirring in his head. He also didn't seem like he was going to mention it, considering he's been giving two different messages to me and then to Alex. Of course school is going to give me no refuge in the dilemma. As the only guy that I find as attractive has decided I'm a miserable shit and Shannan doesn’t really exist. Another noticeable thing is how pessimistic I seem to come off as, I suppose I've gotten used it. Plus it's depressing pushing myself into these assignments. I'm pretty sure there worth it since I want to go to uni. I'll keep telling myself that and hope I get laid with no complications :).

Well, I pretty much failed most of my assignments last term. It has become a constant headache that I can't even shake now, late into my one week of holidays. So school work is sucky, Shannan sucks, she's not sure why she tries.

Other then this I is going on a short road trip tomorrow to get absinthe... this makes me incredibly happy. If the stuff is good I can order it online next time. I think as a special $62 present to myself for passing this term coming up. But tomorrow, I'm having Alex, Chris, Emma, Chad, and Craig over. We're going to party up the pool area and drown ourselves in booze. It's the rational thing to do... especially if the wormwood in this absinthe proves to be sufficient to go tripping.

Other than this, last week I came down with the cold. I was too sick to move and was irrationally annoyed that I couldn't go to school. This week though I've been doing crap all, just drawing, painting and lounging around. Thinking about how awesome it will be when I move. Not to mention the strange behavior of studying, maths and English that has spawned from me in the last 2 days. Actually the only reason I’m studying maths is because I hate my teacher. I don't think I've ever had a teacher in which my personality clashed with so much. It doesn’t help either when I have half of the class throwing up ideas on what she’s talking about, because nobody seems to understand her. The stuff is easy and I'm finding it easier to learn by myself rather than listen to her and her lack of ability to teach.

I might go now... bye...

So I'm procrastinating merly on time because once i start I shouldn't really stop.

I'll fill in the gaps, I lost my job although they re-offered to train me, after fucking me around for a week of not paying me and I having to make extra effort to legalise the pay and so forth. I said no, I hate being mind fucked.
I have assignments that I'm struggling to keep up with and I've gained some sort of sense of myself, again. So I consider this in my procrastination daze that perhaps the pink floyd music does not work and I shall have to find another source, a long with trying to find time to go to the state libaray.
It's scary how much I forget the fluffy and nice things felt like I had forgotten what they felt like. Actually its kind of creepy because I'm in the same state I was last year around September. Except so much has happened and I'm in 08 and just realised in general what a load of fuckheads are in my grade. The teachers ask for respect and yet they can't give it themselves, we have first year teachers teaching grade twelves. I can't find that prettyness, only in my room on the net in little spaces, dreams, memories.
So I'm screwed, I'm studying, I'm sexing, I'm swimming, because it's obvious the only replica can only exist if that feeling is there, the lack of feeling and lack of thinking sometimes is rather strange in general, but the pure fact that when you just can't it hurts, it pains, trying to fill gaps is a bad idea and shouldn't be attempted, even trying to cover it up and make it seem logical, because it never is. The only things that make sense is what you do you wouldn't do it if there wasn't a reason, if there wasn't a cause, a desire, human nature.

I'm going to the sexpo tomorrow with my mum and hopefully I'll be able to get some amusement/ freebies, then we will probably go see a movie like mother and daughters do even though she annoys me. She's been oddly nice and I don't know why, I mean she agreed to come to the sexpo, what?

In other news I saw Phantom of the Opera on Tuesday, it was gorgeous. Seeing this live was amazing for the fact that I don't see many musicals, even though the acting lacked for the first time the storyline and music made up for it.

Thats my conclusion for existance for now.

Hmm internet is slow... must be because I'm downloading for some strange reason.

Drinking coffee, hoping to find out what the fucking hell is happening with work, it’s only been a weekend I feel like I’m being fucked around, hate this. One awful night and I get a bitch slap.

Actually I have that English test today, so many things to bitch and complain about and yet I can't, don't want too, I hate bitching, hate whining, I hate this shit, Why the fucking hell would I want to fucking talk about it?! So I can get my choices, my morals and ethics graded upon? Where the fuck does the school get off testing kids on this, doesn’t there have to be some rule of privacy?

Leaves me with relatively no options but to do what seems fairly reasonable to do and hope to the nonexistent God, things don’t majorly fuck up. I'm sick of this stress, fucking pains in my head, invisible pressure; I'm going to die young because of it.

I have dead flies throughout my room; I'm going to go get ready for school and try to get the lot of this shit out of the way.

Just realised all I can talk about is school and work... the most exciting things alive... I’ve got to stop that.

Other than that my neck shoulders have been harassing me lately I have lumpy rashes coming out of nowhere on my skin. Its Valentines tomorrow + Gareth’s birthday and that entails all the pretty things, considering the celebration of being with someone hasn't been one of my past times until now... which it will be... I even put in for work, because that is the way it goes... plus I feel like money, money, money, money, gimme money.


Actually the money concept is pretty awesome, and I can’t wait to see how much I got paid. The wait is so damn awesome I don't know how to explain it. Money. Means clothes, means tattoo, means escape, means art materials, means train and bus money, means food money, and means book money.

Damn I want long hair *jealous of people with longer hair*

Blah my glasses are wet.

Actually there was an exchange student program to Germany last year... to bad I don't learn German the bastards.

I went to work, polished some glassware. Then for pretty much 5 hrs I peeled prawns, it had to be done for the wine and dine, which is on tonight. Pain in the ass... at least I'm getting paid.
Well it made me smell of prawns, so it was odd to wake up this morning dreaming of eating a giant cupcake while these people ran around me with their problems.

I might go make a coffee and hope that lasts me until I squeeze time to effectively make my own at work...

Okay, so I'm boring myself to death.
Although did figure I’d save to $1,000 then start spending on the crap I want... which is pretty much... I can't think of them at the moment but the objects are floating somewhere in my head.

I agree though, if cows were carnivores they would probably eat humans.

I'm going to go update my livejournal layout, and make it pretty, because I’m up for procrastinating all day... maybe go to the library, get a book out.

Blah! damn cars not liking me.


I think I'm gunna learn stuff about my car so atleast I'll prevent little things like this happening.

New years was yummy, Oh course that is the after thought and not past thoughts, I was sick I felt quizzy and dizzy pretty much wasn't doing anything considering the amount of people and the heavy beats of the music thumping..hmm yeah.

But I got a kiss at midnight and sex to wake up too, don't know what more I could ask for. Damn it I forgot my tequilla... I also go a short moment of having two gorgeous boys hugging me, my cat hugging my arm and gareth :D


I wont be drinking for awhile, it's probably because I ate while I was drinking, my bad. Oh well, no more silly talk I need to get a job since I seem to have my head wrapped around things.

Hmm it was funny seeing people almost start a fight over a taxi...